Reflections

Today I got frustrated. Like really, really frustrated for a large majority of the day. There were a lot of things that went wrong and I allowed them to get to me in a way I don't normally. I made a kid cry yesterday and today (different kids). The one today was the kind of cry where he was so emotional about everything going on that I sent him over the edge. I wasn't any meaner than normal, maybe I was even nicer. But when I told him to come tell me what was wrong, he just wrapped his arms around me and hung on me like kids do to their moms. It was the kind of hug/cry that meant he was truly, deeply upset about something. He said it was because I wouldn't let him have his colored pencils, but I don't know. It shouldn't have happened.

There were also times today when my students apologized to me for things they shouldn't have had to apologize for. They were having trouble opening their lockers, and I managed to make them feel incompetent, which was not at all my intention. I also had them feeling bad about things like sitting at the wrong lunch table, asking me questions, or forgetting which books they needed. My patience wore thin.

After school was over and I was sitting in my classroom trying to keep myself together, I started questioning what I was doing. I didn't do a job today that I'm proud of and may have harmed the egos of some kids in the process. For the first time, I really, truly thought about quitting. I have had bad days at school before, but never have I genuinely thought about what my life would be if I weren't teaching. Thinking about it today scared me. A lot.

It was then that I realized I couldn't stop teaching. I honestly don't know what I would do if I weren't doing this. I feel amazingly lucky to have found my passion so early in my life, and to have known for so long what I was meant to do. When people ask me what my dreams are, I have a hard time answering. For most of my life, one of my dreams was to become a teacher and help children. I have started to see that dream come true, and for that I am proud and grateful.

I have to go into tomorrow knowing that it will be a better day. On the way home tonight, I practiced what I was going to say in the morning. It will be a great day. I got some colored pencils to give back to the kid who was upset, I have a revised plan to deal with the bully in the class, and I have an attack plan for "Operation Work a Locker". The fourth day of school kind of sucked, but the fifth can't get worse!