It's the Climb

Something you should know about me: I love my job. Despite the fact that I often complain about the awkward 12 year olds, I know that what I'm doing is important. There are a few aspects that I don't particularly love, though.

I have always been a very goal-oriented person. Nothing gives me more satisfaction than completing my daily to-do list or finishing a report. Yesterday, I came to the realization that my profession is not particularly suited to people who thrive on short-term goals. My students will not be "finished products" by the time they leave me in five weeks. Will they have grown? Yes. Will they be better than they were before? Hopefully. But they won't be something that I have helped to complete. That sense of accomplishment I enjoy so much won't be there.

Maybe I should reframe this (yeah, HOD) to think about it in a different way, but I have a really hard time. Our big standardized test is next week, and I am terrified that my students won't "make the grade". Next year, the standards will be raised even higher and we will be adding subjects to be tested. I can't help but feel like I am working against....nothing. We're raising the standards, and it feels like we are constantly working to make it harder on ourselves. Don't get me wrong--I think that we should keep the standards high and expect challenging things. At the same time, I can do the best job I have ever done. I can put in more time than any other teacher in the district and can teach my heart out while I have the students in my care. I can do all of that and STILL not make the grade. It's not dependent on me, it's dependent on them. I can't control their ability/willingness to meet the goals we have set forth for them.

For any goal-oriented control freak (like myself), this is the scariest possible position.