Things I'm ashamed to love

This morning, I woke up quite early and wasn't able to sleep. When unable to sleep, what should one do? Read sports articles online, of course! During this epic early-morning time waster, I ran across a Q&A article on ESPN.com's Page 2. (they typically have off-the-wall sports humor articles, for those of you unfamiliar with the ESPN.com setup) This is my favorite entry in said article:

Q: In your recent Manny article, you are very harsh on Scott Boras. Although he might be a conniving two-face, does that really mean he's a bad person? Sure, he will purposely manipulate a person like Manny to earn more money, but that's all it is, earning money. He doesn't steal. He is just good at what he does. Don't change your views on him (because you write about this with so much passion), just next time you write about him think of how he goes home to his kids, just like you, at night.
-- Jack E., Swarthmore, Pa.

SG: The only difference is that he goes back to his kids and probably drinks their blood in a wine glass to keep himself young. You're not getting me to feel bad for Boras. He's the most brilliant agent alive, but he doesn't care about people like you and me, and as he proved with the Pedro Alvarez-Pittsburgh saga, it's difficult to tell if he even cares about the welfare of his clients. I don't think he's any different than the greedy jerks who just brought down our economy; Boras does what's best for himself and his client and everyone else be damned. He's like Jerry Maguire crossed with Spencer Pratt. You know who else bent a few rules for the betterment of their families? All the guys who just brought down Wall Street. I'll get off my high horse now.


Okay, if you don't know anything about sports, then this probably isn't for you. I could try to explain, but that would only water down the amazingness. The answer includes a shout-out to former Vandy player, Pedro Alvarez, a Jerry Maguire AND The Hills reference, along with a solid ripping of Scott Boras. What could be better?!?!


If that wasn't really your cup of tea, let me share with you my slogan for my future political campaign: "If badass wore cardigans." Good, huh? It was coined by the one and only Christine K., future political speech writer extraordinaire.